


Odd Destiny Oneshots

by EtherMorlon



Category: Destiny (Video Game)
Genre: Birthday Party, Gen, Grape flavored cake, Guardians getting themselves killed, Guardians killing themselves, Hunters getting into Trouble, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Just a Bunch of Random Oneshots, Long-Suffering Zavala, Recreational Drug Use, Ridiculous Cayde being Cayde, Sly Ikora
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-27
Updated: 2016-11-27
Packaged: 2018-08-27 06:47:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,290
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8391379
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EtherMorlon/pseuds/EtherMorlon
Summary: The citizens of the City agreed amongst themselves that Guardians were extremely odd creatures. Sometimes the citizens questioned their sanity and wondered if escaping death too many times took a toll on their minds. These are the stories of the legendary, immortal warriors; stories that did not make it into history books, but are important none the less.





	1. Tower Jumping

When Guardians were mentioned in any sort of conversation, overall sentiments almost always leaned towards: gratitude, hope, appreciation, wonder, and general positive feelings. The citizens of the last safe city on earth knew all that they did to keep them safe and away from total extinction. They looked towards the immortal warriors and saw the blood, dirt, bullet marks and sweat. Sometimes when the battles became tougher and the enemy stronger they saw less of them; fireteams with a comrade down and the survivors cradling their lost friends' weapon like fragile glass with a haunted look in their eyes. While they could escape death like water escaping cupped hands, it did not mean that death did not touch them in one form or another. In fact, death surrounded them. Taking this all into account, general sentiment towards the guardians and all they did for the survival of humanity were very positive.

However, the citizens of the City also agreed amongst themselves that Guardians were extremely odd creatures. They had odd habits and odd mannerisms. Sometimes the citizens questioned their sanity and wondered if escaping death too many times took a toll on their minds.  
  


* * *

 

One of the more bizarre, completely unnecessary, and overall insane things that Guardians did when they came back to the Tower was hanging out on the rods that poked out where ships hovered to let Guardians off.

It had become commonplace to see a Guardian dancing, sitting, jumping up and down on the rods and then ultimately falling to their demise only for their Ghost to revive them and do it all over again at a later time.

People got a kick out of watching the reactions of new comers to the Tower. Standard reactions seemed to be horror as the Guardians fell, shock when their Ghosts resurrected them, confusion as the Guardians went right back, and then weary acceptance as they kept on doing it. It was so commonplace now to see Guardians falling to their deaths from the Tower that the Vanguard has to constantly remind them over the PA system, "Guardians, having a Ghost is no excuse for recreational tower jumping".

But, alas, it did nothing to hinder their insane actions. There were competitions; for Traveler's sake, about who could fall the fastest and score keeping of the most and least falls. There were also mentions of citizens at the base of the Tower keeping score of which type of Guardian made the biggest blood splatter; a rather gruesome hobby but such was life after the Collapse.

There was also the favorite game of, Get the Ball Back Up to the Tower. The game was quite simple, one Guardian would jump off with the soccer ball in hand first and then a few seconds later another would jump off and this would continue with many Guardians. While falling the Guardian with the ball would throw it up to the other and it would continue until the ball would get back up. It didn't happen all the time, but it was quite interesting to witness none the less of the Guardians futile attempts to try to win at such an odd game.

* * *

 

Commander Zavala, felt that such actions would be seen as wholly unprofessional and many political figures had already made their voices heard. He devised a giant net to be made to catch any Guardians who fell. At first it was seen as a great idea; no more speeding, falling bodies crashing at the base of the Tower and creating a bloody mess, no more citizens at the base of the Tower witnessing gruesome deaths, and no more desensitization to death in general.

However, while the net caught the Guardians it seemed as if the matter of getting back up to the Tower had not been considered. While Guardians were persevering, killing machines who never gave up on the field of battle it could not be said as truth when off the field. After a few lazy attempts of trying to jump back up to the Tower, Guardians could be seen slitting their throats or using a gun to off themselves to be resurrected back to the Tower. Citizens continually played witness to this for a week until the dreadfully gruesome matter was rectified.

Ikora was next to devise a plan of putting a sort of force field so it looked like a purple wall fence above the guard rail. The Guardians were quite excited over it and thought up the new game of Wall Tennis. Another simple game of hitting the ball at the force field and seeing how far it flew back. It was found that Titans were quite extraordinary at the game, when hit by a Titan the balls flew back as far as the garden to Lord Saladin; at times hitting the poor Iron Lord on the head at dangerously high speeds.

For about two weeks' citizens lived in fear of deadly flying balls at very high speeds randomly smashing them in the face at any given moment, leading to quite the untimely and embarrassing death. It became common to hear someone yelling "Ball!" and seeing everybody duck under something. Fortunately, no citizen died at the hands of the deadly balls but it lead to an increase of resurrections around the Tower. Warlocks attributed this to the fact that Guardians were a lot less concerned about their deaths and hence paid a lot less attention to things that could kill them when off duty and in what is considered to be a safe place. While their citizens feared for their lives and paid a lot more attention to their surroundings. At the end, it was Lord Saladin's complaints to Ikora that had the force field put down as the man's ghost was quite tired of resurrecting the Iron Lord so many times a day.

Cayde was quite amused when Ikora and Zavala came to him for a solution on the matter. He thought that the Guardians fun and games were quite harmless and just a way for them to let off steam. He also conveniently forgot to mention that sometimes he helped them devise new games to play when off duty. Zavala and Ikora hounded him for a few days more before realizing that their attempts would be quite futile and that they would not get any solution out of him.

It was Ikora who went to Eris, to see if maybe the woman might have some thoughts on the matter. The warlock did not ever actually think that Eris would honestly have something to say but thought that it could never hurt to try. So it greatly surprised the warlock when Eris told her that the solution to the matter was quite simple.

The next day when Guardians came over to the railing they found Eris sitting on the grass with all her bits and baubles in the middle in front of the guard railing staring down anybody who passed by. Whenever a Guardian came near she would glare them down and ask, "Do you have matters to discuss with me?" and they would slowly edge away as if afraid. Ikora and Zavala were elated to see it work but sadly Eris soon returned back to her dark spot inside as she grew tired of the sun. And immediately the Tower jumping commenced again.


	2. Bribing Hunters and Helping Warlocks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Helping warlocks gain more information can sometimes lead to the most oddest of missions.

"I don't know. Ray really hates that place, but we really need to know what's going on over there." Said Kara, rubbing her chin absently

"Just find something to bribe your teammate with. Works with Cayde every time." Suggested Ikora, grinning slyly

"A new cloak perhaps? Although, I think he found a new one quite recently."

"Hmm…maybe this might do as a good bribe." Ikora murmured absently, as she rummaged through a bag

"What is it?"

"Another warlock found this on Venus a while ago. He didn't know what to do with it so I was just going to add it in with Cayde's stash of knives. Perhaps your hunter friend could make use of it." Said Ikora, handing Kara a knife

It was quite a knife; sharp and very deadly looking. And also shiny enough to catch any hunters' eye.

"A knife, just the thing to bribe a hunter with. And Cayde has an entire stash of knives?"

"They just accumulated after many years of bribing to get him to do things." Ikora said simply

"Huh. Well, thank you for the knife, I think Ray will really like it."

* * *

"Now why would I want to spend all day staring at Hive?" asked Ray, flipping a knife in his hand

"Because you're a great, wonderful nice person who would do anything for me?" suggested Kara, her glowing blue eyes beseeching

"Nope, I am not going down there. Not even for you Kara, no way." Said Ray, straightening out his precious cloak

"Ugh, look I just need you to hide and record what the Hive are doing. You'll just be staking out for a while in the Chamber of Night and just reporting to me what's going on in there. Their numbers are building up and we need info." Explained Kara

"Why can't we just go pew-pew-pew and kill them all?" asked Ray, miming shooting his gun and heads exploding

"We need info first and foremost and then we'll see what to do about it." Said Kara with an unimpressed look

"Why don't you just go yourself. I really, really hate that place."

"It has to be you. You'll be able to stay invisible and record without disrupting them from whatever they are doing." Kara explained

"I really, really don't like that place. I still have nightmares from last time." Said Ray, frowning and remembering

"Well, then I guess I'll just be giving this new shiny, sharp knife to another hunter as a reward for helping me out." Kara said, waving the knife around, her glowing blue eyes glimmering mischievously

The human's eyes followed the knife like a cat staring down a piece of string.

"New knife!"

"Yes. And it will be yours if you just help me out with this mission Ray."

"Ugh, fine! That knife will be mine when I get back. Sitting and staring at Hive all day…" Ray grumbled as he dusted himself off, got up, and walked to the Port where his ship was waiting

* * *

"Move closer to that thrall over there, we need to see clearly what they're doing." Kara's voice came out over the COMMs link

"By the Traveler's Light, its eating another Thrall. Quite disturbing." Ikora said, wrinkling her nose

"Have I told you how much I hate this place?" Ray grumbled again

"Yes, Ray. Like a million times already." Kara sighed

"The Hive's lives are a cycle." Eris stated mysteriously

"Ugh, it stinks so bad. Sparky are you sure my helmets' filter is working?" Ray asked his Ghost

"Yes, Guardian. For the last time, it's working. It's just that bad down here. But, hey! It could be worse."

"That's some real comfort Sparky. Really," grumbled Ray, staying crouched and invisible as he moved about the Chamber

"Warlock Guardian, tell your Hunter to be silent. I must be able to hear what the Hive are speaking." Eris Morn told Kara

"Hey, I can hear you just fine by myself Eris. And I'm nobody's Hunter."

"Oh, really. You're not my Hunter, Ray?" asked Kara

"N-no?"

"Oh! I had not realized. Oh my, he's in some trouble, now." Ikora chuckled

"W-well, I-I meant I'm nobody's Hunter, b-but yours! Y-yeah." Ray explained, closing his eyes and wincing

"Ah, I see. You're so sweet Ray." Kara said, smirking

"Yeah, that's me, so sweet." Ray mumbled

"Hmmm, what are those Hive Knights doing, move closer Guardian." Ikora said

"By the Traveler's Light! That's disgusting!" Ray exclaimed

A pile of Thralls, Acolytes, and two Hive Knights were thrashing around together. Ray's eyes widened as he took in the disturbing scene.

"It's an orgy!" Ray whispered in horror

"Ah, it is that time of the year. I should have gathered." Eris replied simply

"W-what!" Kara exclaimed, "You mean, it's their mating season?"

"Yes, it's around this time of the year. What the Hunter Guardian has been smelling is the pheromones they give out to help with reproduction." Eris explained

"I see. I have read about this phenomena, but have never been able to study much further. We have an amazing opportunity." Ikora stated

"No! No way! I am not staying here another minute longer! You two warlocks and Eris can drag another hunter here. I'm out!" Ray shouted, the smell in the air was disgusting and made him want to gag

"Ray, be quiet! You may be invisible, but they can still hear you!" Kara said, scared for him

It was already too late however, as the cluster of thrashing Hive all looked up from their orgy and sniffed the air; crawling toward the still crouched hunter.

"Shit, can they smell me? How's that possible?" Ray whispered as silently as he could, edging slowly away

"You are covered in the scent. They can seek you that way." Eris explained

"And you didn't tell me this before, why?" asked Ray, panic starting to claw at the hunter

"If you had stayed silent, they would not be seeking you." Eris said simply

"Wait, if he's covered in the scent, that would mean…" Kara's eyes widened as she understood

"Yes." Eris said simply

"Oh my." Ikora stated, as she understood as well

"What? What are you guys so freaked about?" Ray asked in a harsh whisper, as he continued edging away slowly, the Hive followed confused as they didn't see anything but could still smell

"B-but he's a Guardian, wouldn't they just try to eat him or something…" Kara asked, brows scrunched together as she frowned

"They hunger for a Guardian's Light normally, along with the scent of their mating season they will be in a frenzy soon. Maybe they shall wish to eat or maybe they shall sate their hunger in another way." Eris explained

"W-what!" Ray exclaimed, with his shout the Thralls zeroed in on his location and screeched, it alerted the other Hive and soon they were all running at the hunter

"That's my Hunter! He's freaking mine! Run Ray, just get out of there now!" Kara shouted so loud that Cayde and Zavala looked up startled at the trio of women huddled together at one of the screens

At Kara's command the hunter ran as fast as he could.

"This brings back such wonderful memories doesn't it." Sparky stated inside his Guardian's head

"Shut up, Sparky!"

"Hey, at least they aren't warding the doors this time."

"I swear by the Traveler's Light, I'm never, ever stepping foot on the Moon and I'm never, ever going to do another thing for Warlocks again." Ray swore

"Hey! We learned so much though!" Kara said, slightly wounded

"I'm covered in Hive pheromones, it stinks, there's a million Hive coming at me wanting to do Speaker knows what, and I'm running for my life for the second time down here!" shouted Ray as he passed the second door out

"You're almost out, Hunter. You'll be fine. Knowledge demands sacrifice." Ikora said calmly

"Warlocks." Ray said, as if that explained everything

"Hear, hear." Cayde cheered as he heard

"Just think of the sharp, shiny knife you'll get as a reward." Kara reminded

"Knife?" Cayde perked up from his spot by his map

"Not for you, Cayde." Ikora said

"Aww, I want a new one."

"I'm out, thank the Speaker! Sparky get me off this rock."

* * *

"And here is your knife. Thanks for helping me out Ray, really." Kara said as she handed Ray his reward

"Well, I can't say it was nothing. It was interesting, I guess." Ray said as Kara giggled and gave a kiss


	3. Beware of Wrenches

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There be throwing knife lessons and scary women with wrenches.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just another little story. This one includes Ray and Cayde. There's also a kid of a citizen who works in the Tower; Danny, he's about 5 or 6. Tell me if you guys want more accurate descriptions of characters or if you would just like to imagine them as you would like. I have a few more ideas of the next oneshots, but if anybody has any ideas they would like me to try, let me know. Any ideas or prompts given to me will be credited. Anyway, thanks for reading. :)

"The first thing you need to do is imagine. Imagine yourself throwing it, feel it slip from your grip, see it flipping in the air, hear the sound it makes, and then see it embedding into your enemy's face."

"I don't know if I can 'magine all that…"

"Don't worry kid, all you need is a bit of practice."

"How do you do the flippy thing without cutting all your fingers off?"

"Ah well…actually it took me a few tries before I could do it without cutting all my fingers off. Sparky would get so mad at having to fix me up all the time."

"Ewwww."

"Yeah. I thought my gloves would protect my hands, but I guess I underestimated how sharp the knife was."

"But, what if I cut my fingers off!"

"Don't worry kiddo, I'll be right here. We'll make a great Hunter out of you, I just know it!"

"But, what if I still cut them off?"

"Well, I'm sure we'll find you great mechanical replacements."

"I don't want 'chanical 'placements!"

"They're pretty cool though, from what I've heard. Maybe you could get the ones that let you shoot lasers out of your fingers."

"Woah cool! Teach me the flippy thing first."

"Yeah! That's the spirit kiddo."

* * *

"Tut tut, such a bad influence on the kids, Ray." Cayde said walking under the arch of the Traveler's Walk, where Lord Saladin sometimes resided for the Iron Banner

Ray was teaching target practice and his flashy style of knife flipping to one of the kids of the citizens who worked in the Tower. They were near the end of the garden looking out over the wild forest lands. Three dummies were lined up in front of the guard rails and a few knives were scattered on the floor, most likely from previous failed attempts. As Cayde came closer, he could see more of the dummies features. Amusement flared up as he figured out that the three practice dummy faces were drawn to look like the angry faces of a thrall, dreg, and goblin. They even had little speech bubbles near their mouths saying, "Argh" and "Roar".

"Like you're any better of an influence Cayde. Weren't you the one who had all the kids punching people in the knee caps trying to disintegrate everyone? I remember them yelling, 'I'm a Titan!' and running around everywhere."

"Nope, nope! That wasn't me, I swear. Zavala put them up to it." Cayde denied, shuffling his feet and rubbing the back of his head

"Right, that totally sounds like Zavala's doing. The epitome of righteousness, rules, and order." Ray drawled, narrowing his eyes and staring Cayde down

"Hey, the man does have a funny bone you know. It's just hidden under a lot of that rules and order crap."

"Uh-huh."

"Anyway, why are you teaching, Danny boy here target practice? His mom is gonna kill you when she finds out, you know. And let me warn ya. She's got a really mean swing with that wrench she's always carrying around. I don't even know why she wants to carry that wrench everywhere. She doesn't really do anything with it anyway." Cayde said, wincing as if remembering an awful event

"Well, he was the one who asked to learn. And he has all the right to learn how to defend himself, I think. Just a few more lessons from me and he'll probably be joining our ranks as a new Hunter. Won't you kiddo?" Ray said, swinging the little boy up into his arms and throwing him into the air

Little Danny; the son of a New Monarchy figurehead, squealed and laughed as he was swung up into the air at a dizzying speed and caught swiftly again.

"Again! Again!"

"Your wish is my command kiddo." And Danny was up in the air and swiftly caught again by strong arms and deadly fast reflexes

"Is Cayde gonna teach knife throwing too? I wanna learn the flippy thing, it's cool!" Danny asked when he was put back on the ground

"Ah…why don't we leave that to Ray here. As much as I would love to impart all my wisdom unto you kid, your mother is a very scary woman and I don't need my head dented again by that wrench."

"Awww. Pretty, pretty please!" Danny pleaded, turning and giving his best puppy dog eyes to the Vanguard Hunter

"No! No. Nope. Nope. Don't give me that look! Turn those demonic eyes away from me. I shall not do your bidding!" Cayde yelled, shielding his eyes and trying to resist, Ray could be heard snickering in the background

* * *

"So, what you want to do is hold the knife by the hilt, the blade should point up, aim and throw. Watch me." Cayde explained, as enraptured eyes watched him, aim and throw the knife like a bullet, the next second hearing the twang of the knife embedding dead center onto the thrall lookalike dummy's face

"Woah." Danny uttered, awe and bewilderment showing on his face

"Why don't you try it now kiddo." Cayde said, ruffling the child's hair

"Here, Danny. You're going to be using this one," Ray said, handing Danny a throwing knife

"This one looks different than the one you have." Danny stated, turning the new knife this way and that. The knife was smaller and the blade appeared to be less sharp than a regular Hunter throwing knife.

"That one will be safer for you to use, it's still sharp enough to stick to the dummies though so be as careful as you can." Ray explained

Just as little Danny was reaching for the throwing knife; a soul tearing screech was heard throughout the Tower. One that had Ray's face going pale and Cayde's frame quivering in fear.

"Traveler's Light, it's Mama Wolf! She's coming!" Ray harshly whispered in fright

"The wrench!" Cayde said, covering his head with his hood and hugging his body tightly

"Hunter Vanguard!" The chilling shriek came again

"How does she know?" Cayde whimpered

"I think everyone just assumes now at this point that if somethings up its most likely you. Or just Hunters in general," Ray shrugged, "Let's get out of here. Let's drop Danny off with Hideo and hide for a while."

"Mommy's back from the meeting?" Danny asked, holding the knife and trying to position it correctly

"Yeah, kiddo. She's looking for you. Why don't we do this lesson another time?" Ray said, as he gathered Danny in his arms and started running out of the Walk, with Cayde following behind

"But, I didn't get to throw!"

"We'll try another time, kiddo. When your mom isn't looking for blood." Ray answered, running to Tower North, as they were approaching the tunnel another call rang out

"Danny! Honey, where are you?"

"Mommy's calling. Are we going to her, Ray?" Danny asked, turning around in the hunter's arms to stare behind them, waving at Cayde as the Hunter Vanguard moved his head left and right as if looking for someone

"No. No, kiddo. Umm…we're playing a game. Yeah, that's it. We're playing hide and seek. The goal is to get to Executor Hideo without your mom finding us." Ray explained as he ran through the tunnel, halfway through

"Mommy! We're playing hide and seek!" Danny yelled out, looking over Ray's shoulder and waving at someone behind the two hunters

The hunter and Hunter Vanguard stopped and froze in unison; bodies tensing.

"Hunters." The word was uttered through clenched teeth and spit out as if venomous; exasperation ringing through, "What were you trying to teach him this time, Ray?"

Ray and Cayde turned around slowly, the two looking as if they were preparing for their executions. Danny, still in Ray's arms just giggled and waved to the cleaning robot.

"Nothing too crazy, honestly. Really. Just a little…throwing knife lesson." Ray said, wincing slightly

"Throwing knife lesson!" Talia, Danny's mother, yelled in shock

"He was perfectly safe!" Ray defended

"Ray said I could get my fingers cut off and get 'chanical fingers that shoot lasers!" Danny said cheering

"His fingers cut off! What!"

"You're not really helping us out here buddy." Ray whispered, bouncing the little boy in his arms as Danny just giggled some more

"And he promised to show me how to do the knife flippy thing!" Danny chirped

"Knife flipping! Young man, you get out of that insane hunters' arms right now and get over here!" Talia shouted, pointing down next to her side

"Awww." Danny sighed as Ray put him down

The little boy gave a hug to Cayde and Ray, "Don't worry, next time we'll teach you how to camouflage and stuff. We probably have a cloak your size somewhere," and ran to his mother. Talia picked the boy up, gave the two hunters a glare, and walked off.

"If I hear you two teaching the kids outrageous things again, you both will have a wrench waiting with your names on it!"

"Scary woman."

"Definitely."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just love torturing me beloved Hunters and writing about their antics. Don't worry, the Titans and Warlocks will soon feel my love too. I think I could have done better with this one, but it just got away from me. Anyway, reviews and constructive criticism are appreciated.


	4. The Festival of the Lost: What Really Happened

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Guardians get a little crazy during this year's celebration.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, a few notes before the story. I'm sorry for the late update, all I can really say is that I've been super busy as of late. A lot of stuff for college and all that jazz got in the way. Anyway this is a oneshot for the Festival of the Lost and how the Guardians got consumed by the festiveness of the celebration, I was aiming for getting this up for Halloween but school and other responsibilities came up. Anyway, enjoy and please feel free to leave reviews or any ideas you would like to see me try. All prompts and any ideas given to me will be credited.

"This is wholly unprofessional! They should not be acting like this."

"I do not see why this is such an issue." Ikora said

"Come on, Zavala. It's just a few days of them relaxing and having a little fun." Cayde said waving his hand at Zavala in a reassuring motion

"They are running around all over the place on a constant sugar high messing up operations, ruining goods, and dancing everywhere. Not to mention them wearing over the top masks, some of which are scaring people. I have also heard that some Guardians are stealing brooms from frames and having Holiday turn them into sparrows. They are out there right now riding cleaning equipment while on patrol!" Zavala said, running a hand over his face in exasperation

"It's all in good fun. Really. And don't tell me you were all rules and order back in your day?" Cayde remarked with a smirk

"W-well, of course, I enjoyed the festivities but…"

"Oh, Zavala. I'm quite sure we can guess how much you enjoyed the festivities without you trying to understate everything. Just look at your Titans out there. I think that's the fifth Bounties Board broken today." Ikora said, while shaking her head

"Yikes, Titans and that much sugar are a dangerous combination," Cayde said in awe, while he wondered to himself how much the large amount of alcohol he had smuggled into the Tower played into the rambunctious festiveness of this year

"Like your knife-loving little psychopaths are any better, Cayde. I had to stop them from playing target practice with a tiny pumpkin on a napping civilian. The poor man was just having a rest in the lounge and your insane Hunters were chucking knives at the small pumpkin on his stomach. I do not know how he did not wake up after the first knife flew into the pumpkin." Ikora said with a frown and a grimace

"I-I'm sure the civilian was perfectly safe; my Hunters are great with their knives. All of them." Cayde reassured, wondering if the alcohol might have been a bad idea

"It does not matter if they are great shots, Cayde. What matters is that their actions could have had serious consequences if something had gone wrong. Your Hunters are getting very out of hand for this years' festivities. I have also overheard some talking about smuggling in some sort of plant for some reason. They looked very suspicious and immediately stopped talking when I asked."

"Oh, like your Warlocks haven't done anything crazy. They've made a cozy little cult above Tower North, right by the ledge; whispering about killing themselves and seeing 'insightful visions'. It's all nine levels of disturbing and weird. Have you seen the amount of blood dripping down when you walk under that place; the civilians think its fake for some reason, thank the Traveler. But nobody else is going over there now." Cayde retorted back, and the discussion soon commenced into a shouting match

Zavala at this point just groaned and sat down on the floor, crisscrossed apple sauce style. He crossed his arms on the table and rested his chin on them, and watched his colleagues bicker back and forth with each other like a Pre-Golden Age tennis match.

* * *

The inhabitants of the Sol system, played witness to a peculiar phenomenon around this time of year. The Festival of the Lost was celebrated to honor the spirits of the dead; from fallen Guardians to lost citizens. The celebration revolved around mass massive consumption of candy; the idea was that sweetness would keep sad memories at bay. Citizens and Guardians alike donned masks of fallen heroes to honor their triumphs and sacrifice; a way to keep their legends alive to remember all that they had done. However, the significance of this great celebration remained a mystery to those not of the Human, Exo, or Awoken race.

* * *

The vandal had been in this area for a quite a while. He had scouted every hill and checked every abandoned building at least three times already and after doing one more quick check around, he nodded his head and deemed it clear of hostiles. Turning his head up to the sky and noticing that it was quickly becoming dark soon the vandal started heading up to one of the more sheltered and cozier looking buildings to settle down for the night knowing how the jungles of Venus were not very friendly in the dark.

Just as he was walking up to the building he heard the thrum of a Guardian's vehicle moving up fast to his cleared area. The vandal chittered out a lengthy stretch of curses and took out his weapon. He watched as the Guardian flew down the trail and narrowed his eyes as he looked closer at the vehicle the Guardian was using. His chittering sped up in surprise and confusion as he realized it was not a sparrow but cleaning equipment!

The bemused vandal backed up and hid behind a close by rock as the odd Guardian riding cleaning equipment came closer and stopped a few feet away. The Fallen peeked and shook his head in confusion again as he scrutinized the Guardian's head, instead of the usual protective armor Guardians wore the immortal warrior of light had a giant green engram like shape on his head. The guardian got up from his cleaning equipment vehicle and stepped on the ground only to fall to the ground and howl at the sky like a wolf. The vandal stayed frozen in shock then slowly backed away hiding behind the rock again. He did not want to tangle with this weirdly behaving Guardian. He wondered if the warriors of light had once again become afflicted by some odd virus. If they had indeed been affected by something, he preferred the last one which had them surrounded by shiny things making them easier to spot and shoot at.

* * *

While many enjoyed the Festival of the Lost and all its traditions and customs, nobody truly enjoyed it quite like Zoltir-7. The Exo Titan lived and breathed for this festival, he was known as the Guardian who started preparations much too early and throwed away his masks and decorations much too late. Now here he was on Venus, on patrol with an uncommon engram mask covering his entire head and was howling like a wolf on the ground. Just as he ended a chilling howl his friends Kara and Ray finally caught up to him.

"Zol, are you going to do that every time we stop to scout?" Ray asked rolling his eyes as he got up from his modified broom-sparrow and settled his Lord Saladin mask more properly on his face

"Yup." Zoltir said

Kara just sighed in exasperation, "How can you even see properly in that giant mask? I have an extra tiger one if you want it."

"Nah, this one is perfect. Love the color."

"Whatever you say," Kara chuckled, shaking her head, "So, see anything Ray?"

"Nope, everything seems clear. Wait…," one bullet cracked through the air and a soft hiss sounded behind a rock, "Ok, all clear."

"Well that was easy." Zoltir said, and he howled into the air again

"Zol! Really?" Kara asked covering, shrinking into herself at the loud sound while Ray laughed and joined in

"Aw come on Kara." Ray said, giving the warlock a small nudge

"Fine. Fine, but you guys asked for it." Kara said

She then floated into the air, her hands and legs twitching and seizing randomly. Her head turned and rotated a hundred and eighty degrees like something from a Pre-Golden Age horror movie. All in all, it was just extremely unnatural and creepy. The Hunter and Titan gaped, their mouths open in shock and backing away from the floating and twitching warlock.

"She's possessed, like in the movies!" Zoltir whispered to Ray

"Like a demon, possessed?"

"Yea, like a demon."

"Guys, what are you talking about? It's just something I learned from some other warlocks who learned it from Tess." Kara said, as she dropped to the ground and stopped twitching

"The demon is lying!" Zoltir yelled

"We gotta restrain her and somehow get the demon outta her! We need salt and like holy water!" Ray yelled, using his precious cloak as a tie to wrap Kara's hands together

"Guys! Guys! What in the Traveler's Light do you think you're doing? Stop it right now or I will burn a hole through your skulls!"

"We must take the demon out of you Kara!" Zoltir said

"No, what's gonna happen is that I'm going to burn you two to the ground!" Kara yelled, her hands flaming and burning through the loose tie

"My cloak! My precious, precious cloak!"

"You should be more worried about your head than your cloak sweetheart!" Kara yelled

"Run! Run for your very lives!"

* * *

"So, this is what Ikora was talking about? It looks like any other plant. What is so special about it?" Zavala asked turning it around in his hands

"It'll blow your mind Commander." Master Rahool replied, already smoking a joint and handing Zavala one as well

"Really? And are you sure that this will have no negative side effects?" Zavala asked, quite skeptical

"Absolutely no side effects, just gives a nice euphoric feeling. There used to be a few slight side effects when humans used it Pre-Golden Age, but I have enhanced and perfected it significantly. Go ahead and try it for yourself, Commander. I use it all the time to make me feel better; dealing with all these Guardians day in and out, you know."

"Fine, I shall see for myself…"

A few moments later…

"Wow."

"Isn't it great? I believe we could make a fortune on this."

"Indeed."

The End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also FusRoDerp (from Fanfiction, where I also post) asked for weed, I delivered in a round about way. Know that I know nothing about weed so if I seem ignorant about stuff it's because I really am. I had to research and it wasn't thorough or anything; just a few facts about it. What I do know is that while many people believe its quite safe there can still be some negative side effects; in this though I've made it so that with the technology available to them, humans have made it completely safe to use.


	5. A Birthday Party for Eris

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ikora and Ray plan a birthday party for Eris Morn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: A few swear words are littered throughout the story. While I've read through this over and over again for editing, I still can't remember the exact points. They're in the dialogue of a few characters because that's just how I imagine them talking; it's just a tiny bit really. But I thought a warning should still be given just in case.
> 
> Anyway, this became a lot longer than what I thought it would be; this oneshot just ran away from me. I'm a little unsure how good this is actually, I feel like this is a lot more of a sappy fic than a funny one and maybe not as fun or interesting as it could have been. Funny was what I was aiming for, but again, it ran away from me and took on a life of it's own. However, I still like it and I hope others can enjoy it too. Please, leave a review and tell me if you like it or dislike it or whatever. Anyway, enough of my pathetic insecurity.

Activity in the Tower was slow; it had been slow for a while. It was so slow that Ray didn't even have any worthwhile patrols to go on. No assassination missions, no elimination missions, nothing to scout, not even anything to collect; it was unbearably quiet. So, there he was at noon, under the tree near the Gunsmith trying to take a nap. It was impossible though, while activity was quiet that couldn't be said for the Guardians. He sighed resignedly and opened his eyes again to see a warlock and a titan on top of Master Rahool's little stand dancing with other Guardians cheering them on.

"Just why?" He wondered, what did they get out of doing that

"Boredom gets to us all in different ways, I believe."

"Ikora? Taking a break from your super important warlock experiments?" Ray startled, sitting up in surprise

"Yes, actually. I thought a break would do me well."

"Uh-huh. What are you actually doing here?"

"What? I cannot spend some with my favorite warlock's beau?" Ikora asked, with a smirk to her lips as Ray went wide-eyed and red

"Umm. W-we're not…w-well w-we are…b-but…it's not…w-we…umm…" He stumbled, until he realized Ikora was just staring, her eyebrows raised with an unimpressed look to her face as he futilely attempted to explain.

Ray flushed a deeper red, sighed again and rubbed the back of his neck, "I'll just stop there."

"Please do."

Ray took a bracing breath and asked, "So what are you really here for?"

"Well you see, Eris's birthday is in a few days and I wished to do something special for the event." Ikora said, as she shifted around and straightened out her robes, getting comfortable on the soft grass

"Eris's birthday? Shouldn't you be discussing it with Zavala and Cayde?" Ray asked, nodding his head to the side in bemusement

"I tried but Zavala's ideas were quite…lackluster. As for Cayde, he has become extremely preoccupied with something, all he said was that it is for Eris's birthday. I truly do not wish to know what it could be."

"We'll probably know sooner or later when something explodes." Ray chuckled

"Indeed."

"Anyway, I came to you to hear if you could come up with some good ideas. Hunters most often than not have the most…interesting ideas to have fun."

"You mean we have the craziest ideas. Are you sure you wanna go that route for Eris's birthday?" Ray asked, grinning wickedly

"As much as I tried, I could not come up with what Eris might think of as fun. As long as nothing is too out of control, I shall defer to your good judgment." Ikora replied, nodding her head

"Awesome! So, Cayde has this Crota cut out that looks totally like the-," Ray started

"No."

A huff of disappointment, "Fine, fine. What about making it a costume party. The theme could be Hive!"

A sigh of exasperation and a shaking of the head as if in regret, "No."

"Ok, fine. What about pin the cleaver on the Knight as a game?"

"I believe we should lean away from the Hive for her birthday."

"Hmm. Good idea. Maybe we should start with listing things she likes."

"Yes, an excellent suggestion."

"She likes raisins and her rock?"

"Ah…a good start."

"We don't know shit."

"I couldn't have put it better myself."

* * *

"I propose that we should do the exact opposite of everything she usually goes for."

"Why would that work in our favor? I would think that it would be counterproductive to us doing a birthday party for her." Ikora said, tilting her head in confusion

"Well, we all know that usually she's always studying the Hive and the Taken and about how we all might go extinct one day and stuff. Well, while she is pretty obsessed with all of that, I doubt she likes thinking about it. So why not for her birthday party we decorate and do activities that stop her from thinking about all that for at least one day." Ray answered, rambling out his thoughts

"That actually makes sense Hunter. I'm very glad that I came to you for ideas." Ikora said, with a nod and a smile

"Well, as you said, Hunters always have the best ideas on how to have fun." Ray said, grinning brightly

"That is not what I said."

"Nope, I'm a hundred percent certain that you did."

A sigh was heard from the Warlock vanguard in resignation.

* * *

Kara materialized onto the Tower and brushed as much of the dust from Mars off her robes as she could. The warlock was absolutely covered in dirt and dust from the Cabal and Vex inhabited planet. It seemed that no matter how much one tried the end result after returning from Mars was always the same; covered from head to toe in dirt. Her one and only patrol had gone quite smoothly with only one small bump that didn't really change much for how her and a few warlock colleagues finished the patrol. It had been a simple elimination mission of a major cabal leader and collecting a bit of information; the only hitch was the hordes of legonaires under the leaders' command.

However, she was quite irritated on how her colleagues had behaved themselves during the mission. While she was loath to admit it, it was known fairly well that warlocks could be very arrogant and egotistical at times. Even she had her moments of bigheaded haughtiness where she truly believed that she was in the right. It helped though that her usual team consisted of a hunter and a titan; Ray and Zol were excellent at keeping her in check. Ray especially took great pleasure in poking holes in her plans and as he put it, "improvising". She called it, "going in blind and dying like an idiot".

After all was said and done, she would have to help revive him and have a lengthy lecture on planning and information on her lips. And he would look at her with his stupidly charming wide grin and say how his way saved time. And to stop his own bigheadedness from rising to unfathomable levels she always endeavored well to wipe that smug look from his dumb face. A smack to the head worked amazingly. And then a fierce kiss to make sure he was still with her; they both had learned a long time ago on how to expertly ignore Zol's gagging noises.

But no more of digressing. Because of her working with a Hunter and a Titan for so long, Kara had learned to compromise and to listen carefully on what others had to say. Sometimes her way was not always the best. While the patrol had gone well, the team of warlocks had spent an eternity arguing over whose plan would work best and how to execute it all properly; all of them proposing that their way was the right way. She had stood back wondering if that was what she had looked like in the beginning of the formation of her fireteam.

After dusting off as much as she could and making a mental note to thoroughly clean her robes later, she turned and looked around for her Hunter and Titan. Zol had mentioned doing a few bounties for the Crucible around noon and Ray had said that he would be lounging around the Tower as he was having an extremely slow day. Quickly, she spotted Ray's signature flashy colors under the tree near the Gunsmith surprisingly talking to Ikora. They seemed to be having quite a discussion going on. Ray was grinning widely with his eyes twinkling mischievously and gesturing animatedly with his hands while Ikora was serious and listening intently. She frowned in concern; while it was nice to see her mentor getting along so well with Ray, she knew that grin very well.

That grin meant trouble, it boded well for no one; not even her. It was the grin she saw when Cayde and Ray would whisper amongst themselves being up to no good. The grin that would show itself later when something exploded into smithereens and people got pranked. The grin and those eyes that meant the Hunter was planning. Planning for what, she didn't know. But she knew that grin was something to fear. The two talked for a bit more and then Ikora left, looking quite distant as if in deep thought.

"So, Ikora and you seem to be getting along well. What did she want?" Kara tentatively asked; afraid of the answer. She sat down on the grass beside her Hunter, who had stretched out on the grass, his head resting on his arms

"She wanted some ideas for Eris's birthday." Ray answered

"Oh," the warlock replied, sighing out in relief, "A birthday party for Eris? That's a great idea, she's been a little extra gloomy these past few days. Although, I would have thought she would have gone to Zavala or Cayde first?"

"She did, but apparently, Zavala isn't that great of a party planner and Cayde has got a new secret project in the works that's occupying all his time." Ray answered chuckling

"We'll find out when it blows up."

"That's what I said." Ray replied, with a grin

"Well, I hope none of your plans are too crazy. You know how worked up Eris can get. And do you know if Zol is already in the Crucible yet?" Kara asked

"Ikora knocked most of my really fun plans out. It's just gonna be little boring birthday party, unfortunately. And it started already just a few minutes ago. Why?"

"Oh, I just wanted him to give special attention to a certain few warlocks in the Crucible. Maybe for the next one, I guess."

"Ah." Ray drew out, understanding completely

"Well, I guess, let's just relax for now. It's a wonderful day." Kara said, lying down on the soft grass beside Ray

"H-hey, we're…umm we're o-official, right?" Ray asked, Kara turned her head to the hunter in surprise but he was steadfastly staring up at the tree

Kara grinned as she saw his red tinted cheeks and how tense his form had become. Oh, how she loved this ridiculous hunter.

He turned to her, gaze anxious and taking hold of her hand, "I know, we've been going slow and we haven't really talked mu-,"

She pulled him in and shut him up with a firm kiss, "Yes, we're official; definitely official!"

* * *

Eris could feel it in the air. The Tower was brimming with something, something was happening. What it was, she did not know. But it was akin to anticipation; there was excitement, there was expectation, and there was waiting. She felt anxious. She did not like not knowing. She had woken up from dreams of Hive and the Taken, got ready for the day, had a small meal to fuel herself, and had went to her stand. Her routine was the same, just like any other day. She was the same. It was others that were different.

They were busier. They moved boxes of things and scurried back and forth. She saw flashes of bright colors; they were quick to hide when she came around; inquisitive and curious. They would back away and hide their colorful things; stuffing them quickly in their big boxes and running away. She did not know what to make of it. What was happening?

When she would ask, they gave big smiles and waved her questions away or be surprised that she did not know. One hunter gave her a big grin and said that she would find out later. She felt puzzled and confused. The entire morning, they ran around carrying boxes and other things. She stayed by her stand and went about her day just like usual. She informed as many as she could about the Hive and the Taken and gave her usual bounties out, that was her duty. They had to be ready. They had to be informed. Her dreams told her every night how dangerous their enemies could be.

Around evening they slowed down. She saw less of the boxes and colorful things being moved around. It was when the sun was just coming down, tinting the skies in beautiful splashes of red and orange that they came. Ikora tugged on her hand, giving her a warm smile and gently urging her along to Tower North. She did not frequent the place much, other than to sometimes talk with the Speaker. He understood her worries and always had a warm cup of tea ready for her. She did not enjoy tea but she liked stirring the spoon and watching all the sugar cubes she dropped into the tea cup dissolve into nothing.

Eris gasped as she took in Tower North. Twinkling little lights in various colors covered the entirety of the area, bright and colorful streamers swung gently, and people milled around in eye searing party hats and casual clothes. Eris moved her head around left and right trying to understand the whole scene, she startled as her eyes finally rested upon a neon, glowing banner proudly stating 'Happy Birthday Eris!'.

"T-this is for me?" Eris asked the warlock vanguard, who was still gently pulling her toward a table filled to the brim with all kinds of delicious looking foods; taking centerpiece was an enormous layered cake. Each layer seemed to be trying to outdo each other with how obnoxious and eye searing it could be. She had not seen so much color since before. Before, when she had people; close people, to be bright and colorful and obnoxious with.

"This is all for you Eris." Ikora confirmed, finally stopping in front of the big table

Eris took in a shaky breath, still confused and unbelieving. Everything was so, so bright and cheerful. People were smiling and laughing and happy. The air was light and joyful. She hadn't felt something like this in a long time. She had not even remembered the day herself. She felt herself give a soft smile at the scene and was surprised at her ability to do so. Ikora noticed and gave a smile in return.

"Let's light these candles and get the party started."

Eris had not felt so free and relaxed in a long time. The bright colors and the lightness in the air pushed away dark thoughts. People smiled and laughed freely. And she took the entire first layer of the enormous cake all to herself; it was grape flavored. She also participated with hitting a giant harpy shaped piñata and managed to break it open after a couple of swings; she vehemently denied deliberately swinging it in Cayde's direction and trying to break that pointy horn. The act of taking revenge never takes a break.

Later they all lounged around and enjoyed the fireworks that Cayde had secretly worked on all week for. They crackled through the sky, bright, loud and booming. Eris enjoyed the sound. It had been a good day.


End file.
